11.06.2007

Exhibit 4.20

Football Recap.

In case you haven't noticed, I stopped doing football recaps in the hopes of writing one at a time when there was something triumphant to say about the Miami Dolphins and/or Nebraska Cornhuskers. It, um, looks like I might be waiting for a while.

Miami Dolphins (0-8)
*Dolphins QB Trent Green was lost for the season with a concussion (to be fair, I think we all knew this was going to happen. I mean, virtual Trent Green gets a concussion when I shake my Madden '08 disc [if I owned it which, as far as you know, I don't]).

*Dolphins RB Ronnie Brown, in the middle of an amazing season, tears his ACL while trying to tackle a CB who intercepted a Cleo Lemon. Lemon was Green's backup so I suppose we could blame this on Green too but he wouldn't remember it anyway. As for Brown, who knows. I just hope they didn't take him out of the stadium in the Terrell Davis Memorial Stupid Career-Ending Injury Ambulance (if that name seems cumbersome [and unfunny] imagine how cumbersome [and unfunny] it was for the guy who had to spell it out backward on the hood).

*John Beck still not allowed to play football. The guy's 26 and yet we're supposed to think he's too raw to play in a game yet? He has kids! I get what the Dolphins are doing (they want to ensure at least one victory before they put the rookie in) but the guy they are choosing is responsible for more catastrophic knee injuries than he is victories. That should matter, right?

*Joey Porter died.

*Cam Cameron made a list of winnable games in a notebook he carries then had to sheepishly erase Houston on the plane ride home. Okay, maybe I only imagined this one.

*I watched 10 minutes of a Michigan game in order to "scout" Jake Long. This, by the way, may be the most indefensible action a sports fan can take.

You: What are you doing?
Me: Watching this college football game because the Dolphins might draft this guy.
You: Oh, is the draft soon?
Me: It's in late-April.
You: But the Dolphins want this guy?
Me: Well, if they continue to lose and get a top 5 pick, the guy tests well at the Combine, none of the teams that pick in front of the Dolphins--if there are any--take him, and the Dolphins decide they want an offensive tackle rather than a defensive tackle, then yes, they probably want this guy.
You: Are we going to have to talk about this until April?
Me: I like how he moves his feet. Nice wingspan, too.

Nebraska Cornhuskers (4-6)
*5 game losing streak, worst defense in the conference and nearly the worst in the country, fired athletic director, hired Tom Osborne, not going to a bowl game, ripped hearts out of the entire state. That pretty much covers it.

*On a side note, my mom, who doesn't watch football but went to the Kansas game, summed up the experience by saying, "I don't know, it seemed like our guys were kind of sissies." Normally I'd be against such inflammatory statements about college kids except that A) they did give up 76 points and B) what followed this comment was a lengthy recap of the rest of the weekend which involved calling a number of waiters, other drivers, and my own siblings "sissies." I'm thinking it's just my mom's go-to insult.

If Mandy Patinkin Was a Fantasy Football Team (7-2, first place)
*This team is pretty much all about Randy Moss, Reggie Wayne, and Antonio Gates while getting good-but-not-great performances from everyone else.

*This team is not about Eli Manning though he continues to quarterback this squad to greatness. I really wish there was someway I could change his name in the system to Bob Griese as he's doing just enough to win. I might have to email someone about this.

*This week's game is against my friend Justin's team which he cleverly named The Moon Whalers, a nice Futurama reference. I was impressed. Then I found out that Justin named both his fantasy football teams this. Since this is clearly the worst thing anyone has ever done, I am honorbound to beat him.

*Can you imagine if Philip Roth, just so enamored with the title, named every one of his books Goodbye, Columbus? I can. It would be great. I'll tell you what's not great, any one else doing it.

The Lincoln Hawks (4-5, Seventh Place)
*Lost by .98 points one week and then 3 the next which pretty much accounts for the somewhat sorry state of this team. Still, an easy schedule between now and the playoffs plus a much stronger team than the beginning of the season thanks to some nice pickups means I still have an outside shot at the playoffs (but it's not likely).

*Steve Jackson, the supposed centerpiece of this squad, came back from a groin tear just in time to have back spasms. I imagine he and Trent Green like to road trip to Windsor for cheap prescriptions.

*On paper, this team is still one of the best teams in the league but I think they lack the necessary chemistry to make it work. I know this is a stupid thing to think, but I can't help it.

*If it makes things more clear, I also imagine Fantasy Steve Smith swearing at reporters after another 2 point performance. It's only a matter of time before Fantasy Steve Smith punches Fantasy Hines Ward in his fantasy nose while watching fantasy film. If that sounds improbable, just remember that the real Steve Smith did it.

2 comments:

Pete said...

Having the same fantasy team name in two leagues, aside from the startling lack of creativity, is offensive to those of us who perilously slave over our team names to come up with "The Lincoln Hawks" or "The Quinnterceptions" (just two random examples).

This Justin you speak of needs to rectify this, or else I suggest waterboarding.

Also, The Lincoln Hawks are not out of the race with this prolific point scoring of the last few weeks.

A. Peterson said...

I couldn't agree more. When I first asked him what the name of his other team was he blinked a few times before admitting the shameful truth. He knows what he's done.

The Lincoln Hawks are out of the race for the hearts and minds of our league members. No one seems to be enjoying the Over the Top quotes. What's not funny about "Well, I've got one more pick up. And say, two to three days, we'll be in California."