Really I'd rather not ruin my least bloggy month ever by posting something, but I feel a sense of responsibility to my two loyal readers: J. Stock and Asian Casino Big Wins.
But I've got nothing to say, so here's a collection of tweets I had saved on my old phone. I figure if I post them here, I will never post them on twitter which is probably for the best.
Why do I think somehow posting them here will tie them less to me than twitter? I don't know. Why any of it? I really don't know.
* There are only 3 people. Those who like "Dyslexic Heart," those who like "Waiting for Somebody," and those without the Singles soundtrack.
* Why did pizza geometry stop at the roll? I want a pizza box.
* 100% of conversations about karaoke go something like this, “Remember that time we did karaoke that we’re never going to talk about again?” “No.”
* Imagine how Delux, the company that seemingly makes all the checks, feels when all their orders are paid with debit cards.
* Nobody ever asks for a hand job. You should have subvocalized that as Job. Like the Bible guy. Then it’s funny. If not, it’s not.
(Ed note: there was a time when I really wanted to make this joke work. Then I realized I would never tweet about sex acts ever. Then I posted it here on a whim. I really, really don't know).
* So now that David Mamet is apparently making a movie called, “I’m an Asshole,” what role is he going to cast his wife in?
* Has anyone written an essay about riding the bus for a day and learning about the people and their stories? Because don’t. Don’t write that.
* It’s a bit cumbersome to keep saying it, but Andrew Carnegie did pay to build my bathroom.
* I’ve got a lot of thoughts on the country song “Need You Now” that I’m just going to go ahead and keep right to myself.
* It’s a little misleading that YouTube didn’t stick with “thatplacewhereyouwatchtheIGotaManvideo.com”
* I like to put on headphones and listen to Megadeath at a coffeeshop because it feels illicit.
* Whoever told Netflix I like Jason Statham will be hunted down until I get my revenge for what you did to me…o, damnit.
* Going to write a modern day version of Blood Meridian about going to the mall. "See the child section of the Banana Republic…"
* The poet’s car was such a gas ghazal-er.
* Live your life like you're making an erasure of Jurassic Park without the dinosaurs. - confusing advice.
* Whenever someone reaches my blog using Bing I feel like how the Indians felt the first time they saw ships.
* Nebraska – no longer just a Springsteen album.
* Why did indie rock find it necessary to start a sub-genre tentatively titled “Sometimes We Sing about Orphans”
* If we have HOV lanes, I don’t see why we can’t have bumper car lanes.
* When Dane says be less gauche, I always think he’s saying be less ghost and I’m like, you’re right, Dane, I probably should.
* I didn’t think this would come together but, yep, there it is, a castle. Thanks, Lego.
* I look exactly my age because eating Eggos in sweatpants is timeless.
* My least favorite modern composition is John Kale’s four minutes and thirty three seconds of salad.
* Sadly, I play basketball like I play guitar: how Dave Matthews would do it.
* When someone says it’s an oldie but a goodie, it means ‘I hope you know how to safety dance.’
* Wise men say, only fools rush into purchasing UB40’s greatest hits.
* Hey, Men at Work, I know who it can’t be: a record label.
* If you add vodka to a Shirley Temple it becomes a Lindsey Lohan.
* I’m not sure why the Catholic church taught me that “A Whiter Shade of Pale” was about masturbating.
(Ed note: See Job joke above).
* My dad's lives every day hoping someone asks him if he likes Earl Grey so he can say "That's my cup of tea!" It's important to have dreams.
* I'm not afraid of robbers. I'm afraid of robbers judging the amount of dishes in my sink. Maybe they'll steal them. That would help.
* My god, this conspiracy goes all the way to the Top Gun DVD case.